Here's How We Can Solve All Of Our Problems. Just One Catch: No More Complaining

Dear conservatives,

I've been listening to you and thinking how we could come up with a solution that makes all of us happy.

You don't like "big government," "socialism," "liberals," etc., and you don't want to pay taxes because taxes support the lazy.

You believe greed is the only virtue and that somehow everyone who doesn't believe the same thing is keeping you down.

You're angry, and your solution is that we need to deregulate the government and turn everything over to private business.

Though we disagree, I still tend to like you. We share much in common — sports, music, hobbies — so I've been trying to figure out how we can get past politics and back to enjoying our wonderful country.

In the spirit of reconciling our differences, here's my modest proposal: We, the liberals, will purchase your share of the United States government from you.

We'll buy the roads, the institutions, the military, the FBI, the CIA, the police, the fire departments and our public education system. We pay the taxes, we get the U.S. government. That's it. Simple.

In turn, we will issue you a non-citizen card to live in our country. We won't ask much. We will charge for usage. Not to make a profit. Just the cost per use.

If you don't want to use any of it, then you don't have to pay.

"That's intriguing," you say, "But how would it be possible?"

I think technology has reached a point where we could figure something out.

We'll charge by the mile for using our public roads. There will be a single-use charge for the use of any public parks. And public utilities can bill in a manner similar to the private sector.

If you want to send your children to one of our schools, we'll charge you the cost. Otherwise, you can send your kids to whatever private school you choose.

If you get any mail, we'll charge you by the letter. We'll charge by the fire, by the crime, by the medical emergency.

I know, I know. It's genius.

We get the shared resources we believe are essential to the health and well-being of our country and you get to pay no taxes.

But wait, you say.