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Savage Love: Tragedies Come in Threes
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and we live together. Recently, his ex was killed in a car accident. They were not on good terms, and he often made scathing statements about her. I made the mistake of saying the following several days after her death (after offering him my sympathy on numerous occasions): "I don't know how to help you grieve in this situation because you didn't like her." Obviously, that was a stupid, careless thing to say. I apologized numerous times, and he said that he forgave me. Fast-forward two weeks. We were out having drinks with friends. He disappeared from the bar and wouldn't answer my calls. I ended up calling a cab and heading home by myself. When I got home, he was there drinking with our roommate and some of his friends who were crashing at our house, including his friend's wife. I was angry and went to bed. I awoke at 8 a.m. alone and went downstairs, where I found him making out with his friend's wife on our porch. They were both incredibly drunk. Later, he told me he was still angry about my comment, accused me of hating his ex, and informed me that he spent the entire night venting about me to his friends. I am totally capable of getting over one drunken kiss — everybody makes mistakes. However, I feel like the whole context was incredibly toxic and hurtful, especially him airing our dirty laundry to his friends. I'm not sure if I'm interested in staying with someone who can't speak to me like an adult when he has an issue, and instead gets scary drunk and makes out with people. I told him that this chick owes me an apology before I can ever even consider getting over it. I asked him to consider quitting drinking. And I asked him to make it clear to his friends what really happened when it came to our interactions over his ex's passing, so I don't have to be treated like the bad guy in this situation. Am I being too demanding? Does it seem like our relationship is worth salvaging? We've had our ups and downs, but I hope we love each other enough to get past this.
By Dan Savage
October 16, 2013