By Tom Z
11:18 AM EDT, March 12, 2013
Right now Cardinals from around the world are meeting at a conclave to get high on thurible smoke and rock out to that “Our God is an Awesome God” song over and over. Then when that’s done, they’ll hold a Mortal Kombat tournament to determine the new Pope. Oh, don’t let the liberal media fool you, that’s how the process works. Anyway, they are down to 20 Pope finalists, but my favorite is Luis Antonio “Chito” Tagle of the Philippines. He’s one of the youngest candidates at 55, he’s got a huge following on social media, he’s funny, and he was voted the “least worst” candidate when it comes to covering up sex abuse. (True story.) He’s Asian, which is nice what with China taking over the world and all. And he sings! Here’s him singing a song called “You and I,” which sadly is not a Lady Gaga cover. Plus he speaks 5 languages, so as the mouthpiece of God, he’ll save God a fortune on Rosetta Stone DVDs. More, from NBC News:
The National Catholic Reporter recently called him "an effective missionary and communicator," and described him as the face of a "dynamic and relatively angst-free form of Catholicism."
Tagle, with his easy smile and disarming charm, will be a key player, even if he is regarded as an outside bet for the crown.
Man, I thought we had low standards for the Presidential race, but this Pope race is way worse. With most of these guys the reviews are like, “he hates gay people and wants to firebomb abortion clinics, but some are worried he’s not personable enough to be Pope.” Or “he thinks all Jews should rot in the pits of Hell for eternity, but he’s also got a downside!” Why can’t these guys who preach hatred against half the world be more charming? I say we elect Kirk Cameron as Pope and be done with it. I know it sound rash, but hey, it’s 2013, I think the world is ready for a heartthrob Pope.
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