By Tom Z
11:46 AM EDT, March 15, 2013
When President Obama took office, he offered a way for Americans to submit petitions to the White House online. It was supposed to be way for citizens to have their voices heard, but instead it became a way for dipshits to ask Obama to build a Death Star. Personally I feel like Obama should have seen that coming. Either way, there’s a new petition asking Obama to replace the National Anthem with R. Kelly’s “Ignition (Remix).” And if it can get 95,000 more signatures by April 2nd, the White House will have to offer an official response, which would be amazing. Here’s the actual petition:
We, the undersigned, would like the Obama administration to recognize the need for a new national anthem, one that even a decade after its creation, is still hot and fresh out the kitchen. America has changed since Francis Scott Key penned our current anthem in 1814. Since then, we have realized that after the show, it’s the afterparty, and that after the party, it’s the hotel lobby, and — perhaps most importantly — that ’round about four, you’ve got to clear the lobby, at which point it’s strongly recommended that you take it to the room and freak somebody. President Obama: we ask you to recognize the evolution of this beautiful country and give us an anthem that better suits the glorious nation we have become.
This is bullshit. I don’t usually get all high and mighty but I think it’s preposterous anyone would even consider changing our National Anthem to R. Kelly’s “Ignition.” Oh, I know it’s a joke, but I don’t find it remotely funny. This suggestion is offensive and, furthermore, doesn’t capture the American spirit at all. Sorry to get up on my soapbox but this is something I feel very strongly about. What we should be changing our National Anthem to is R. Kelly’s “The Zoo.” Not only is it a much better song but it really symbolizes what this country stands for. With lyrics like “I got you so wet / it’s like a rainforest / like Jurassic Park / except I’m your Sexasaurus,” that song is much better at capturing America’s world dominance and monstrous sexual prowess. And for those worried about denigrating our original anthem, don’t worry. Francis Scott Key would totally approve. That guy was a straight-up freak. Most people don’t know this but the original version of Francis Scott Key’s poem went, “over the ramparts we watched / while we poppin’ that bub / two chicks in the horse-drawn carriage / told King George get the fuck out the hot tub.” It’s true, Google it.
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