By Tom Z
10:19 AM EST, December 4, 2012
North Korea never ceases to entertain, and this time they've really outdone themselves. North Korean archaeologists have discovered a unicorn lair dating back to the Koryo Kingdom of 918 A.D. How do they know that unicorns live inside this mystical underground lair? Because the words "Unicorn Lair" are carved into a rock outside the lair. Obviously. All hail the Supreme Leader, ruler of men and keeper of unicorns! Of course, the haters at MSNBC tried to dismiss this incredible finding:
Propaganda is commonplace for North Korea, one of the poorest, most repressive countries in the world. But that doesn’t mean the communist nation has gotten any better at crafting more believable tales over the years, said Sung-Yoon Lee, a Korean studies professor at Tufts University.
“The intent behind this is to try to bolster up the credentials of the younger leader who is still in his 20s,” he told TODAY. “North Korea likes to make the claim that heroic blood runs in the family.”
It must be awesome to live in a dictatorship where everything you say is taken as absolute fact. We all laugh at North Korea, but the people who live there, they don't know. The news reports about a hidden unicorn lair, and they're like, "Wow, how lucky are we to live in the presence of a magical unicorn lair?!" And that's nothing compared to some of the stuff Kim Jong-Il got away with. That guy hit 11 holes-in-one and scored a 38 under par* in his first time ever golfing. He was also born under a double rainbow and he invented the hamburger. It's true, it was in a newspaper. Just like how, when I'm dictator of the U.S., I'll start at quarterback for the Buffalo Bills as they go undefeated and win the Super Bowl 150-0. Also People Magazine's "100 Sexiest People" will all be me. Oh, and did you hear? I invented oxygen. You're welcome.
[*The best part about this story is that Kim Jong-Il had 11 holes-in-one, but he still scored a 34 overall. So on the other 7 holes it took him 23 strokes to finish, or an average of 3.3 strokes per hole. The guy was talented enough to sink his drive from 400 yards away on eleven different occasions, but then on a few random holes he was like, "eh, give me a 4." He's like a kid who cheats on a test and gets one question wrong on purpose, because getting a 99 on the Calculus final is way less suspicious than getting a 100.]
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