When young Sheldon Bruck told his parents he was gay, they sent him to JONAH, or Jews Offering New Alternatives for Healing, a “conversion therapy” camp that attempts to help people struggling with “unwanted same-sex attractions.” For the price of several thousand dollars, JONAH attempted to fix this “mental disorder” (their words) using such techniques as stripping naked in a group and calling the young man a “faggot” (again their words). Basically he paid 10 grand to pretend he was on a high school lacrosse team. Of course this therapy didn’t take, and now Bruck is gayer than ever. (I don’t know if that’s true, but what the hell, let’s just go with it.) Bruck’s family has teamed up with Chaim Levin, Benjamin Unger and Michael Ferguson, three other conversion school dropouts. They are suing JONAH, claiming that they were deceived into paying for something that couldn’t possibly be delivered.
"I was manipulated into believing that I could change my sexual orientation, but instead I was subjected to terrible abuse that mirrored the traumatic assault that I experienced as a young person," Levin said at a news conference Tuesday. " What I can tell you is that conversion therapy does not work. My family and I have wasted thousands of dollars and many hours on this scam."
I don’t know if it was intentional, but these gay people have come up with the most ingenious plan in the history of mankind. Now the conversion camp must either say that people are born gay and nothing can change them, or admit that their conversion techniques don’t work. They’re either snake-oil salesmen, or they suck at their job. It’s a real Sophie’s choice. Sophie B. Hawkins, that is. Either way, it’s game over for this conversion camp. I haven’t seen a plan this clever since Tom Cruise forced Director Lamar Burgess to admit the failings of the pre-crime program in Minority Report. But this is even more impressive, cause, you know, it’s real.