Normally in this blog, I choose an interesting news story and then make fun of it. But today I want to take a break from the usual format to talk about something that’s on everyone’s mind lately: Daylight Savings Time.
I know you’re not supposed to use the R-word anymore so let’s just say that whoever created daylights savings time is an imbecile of the highest order. In a world where free time is of the essence and sunlight is nature’s finest beauty, this guy decided to screw with the clocks so it was dark at 4pm. Sure, there was a time when daylights savings was beneficial to farmers, but we no longer live in a farm-oriented society. You know who enjoys daylights savings time now? Rapists. “It’s dark at 4pm? Awesome!” Usually rapists have to hide behind a bush or in an alley, but thanks to daylights savings time they can just stand in the middle of parking lot. Hell, they don’t even need a ski mask anymore. 4 out of 5 rapists love daylight savings time. The fifth rapist isn’t opposed, he just checked the “I don’t know/unsure” box during my rapist survey. Basically what we’ve got here is a time-honored convention that benefits criminals and Batman villains and hurts hardworking Americans. Home invaders are able to operate under cover of darkness, and the average corporate employee doesn’t get to see the sun anymore. As plans go, this one is on par with the Bay of Pigs or Michael Jackson’s comeback tour. So let’s adapt with the times and ditch this useless tradition. We don’t need it. Just look at Arizona. They haven’t observed daylights savings time in 40 years. They didn’t even have a real reason, they were just like, “no thanks, we’re good.” And yet here they are, still standing. That’s how bad daylights savings time is; it encourages people to say, “Let’s be more like Arizona!” In conclusion, to the inventor of daylight savings time, you’re lucky it’s so dark out, otherwise we would hunt you down and chain you to a pipe like in the movie Taken. And to all the fatcats in Washington, the people have spoken! Stop wasting our time with distracting topics like gay marriage and the economy, and give the people what they really want. End daylight savings time now!